I Found My Girl

“Single” the word that tails with me for two years. From those while, I have to love myself and be happy. Loving myself is the move that I did to easily forget the pain from the last relationship I had which I thought a so called relationship. From the moment that I know that I recovered already, I was looking for somebody else because I am certain that somebody is waiting for me too (felah haha). Guess what? I am right. We found each other and I could really say she’s MY GIRL.

Her kisses and hugs makes my day perfect. She makes me smile whenever I frown. When I got from work, she is there to lighten the feeling of exhaustion that I have. We love each other unconditionally and that’s undeniable. But oftentimes I scold her and she will just cry. Indeed, she is very young and innocent and as far as I could, I have to be patient at her. When I was still in college, we seldom see each other.

While now that we are in the same place, I am great and hopefully I can give all the love that she deserves. Her mom is living far and it’s for good, and it is all because of her. I took the responsibility to be one of the persons who will take good care of her. She is my inspiration and my baby. I want her to be the best girl in the whole wide world.

Though many times she gets hurt because I do not always give what she wants, I am confident that our attachment will not just easily end. She respects me because she has too and I am proud of it because I am his Tito.

These are some of her pictures.

She watches Darna every night. She is really a big fan of Marian Rivera.

She loves to pose whenever she has new dress. This picture was taken after her Mommy Kahmil newly bought these two pieces of swimsuit.

She is fond of asking everyone to color her nails. She even does not want to attend to children’s party without nail polish.

She loves to pose in camera and not conscious whatever her appearance would be.She also acts as if a teenager though she’s only four.

She eats and sleeps a lot. She told to diet but she does not want.

These were taken @ SM Bacolod. More pictures here; http://profiles.friendster.com/68283618

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Everything is New

It’s already a week that I’m settle in a new environment. I’ve met new people and maybe new friends. Work is really the reason why I have to be in this place. It’s a must for me; to have bread and butter in the future and at the same time I’m at the age to be adequately independent. In the first place, this is I really wanted.

For a week, I did not expect that I’ll live as comfortable as this. From my new house but not mine technically and with my new workplace. Everything is good and in firsthand.

Expectedly, my daily routine changed. I have to wake up as early as 5:30 in the morning to prepare everything and as an over sleeper, it’s not my habit. Hilariously, my mom is with me the whole week and she shakes me every dawn just to wake me up and guess what, she consistently did it in my first week.

I thanked Nanay a lot that she spent the whole week with me and treated me like a pre school boy which made me feel uncomfortable. At some point, though she’s not saying it, I know that she is just excited with my job and she cares. Sadly, tonight is her last night staying here in my place. Besides it’s really her time to go home before quarrel between us will arise. You know, sometimes motherly words are irritating.

On the other way, my work place is really good and it’s two rides away from my place. Not bad. So far, I have friendly mates. But there are some that I cannot go with still. Or maybe until now I am just stupid and expect that I will be in the same group of people I had. While in class, I think this is the worst week for me. I got very low exams and I have to double cope with it. There’s something wrong with me while in class and I don’t know why. With these, fear is in me. I don’t know exactly to what and to whom I’m afraid of. I am tense everyday and I lost the focus.
With my first week, God gave me the providence and made me think that first times are not worst. I’m satisfied though with what happen this week but a satisfaction with worries. I don’t know why. Now, all I have in my mind is whatever will happen it is God’s plan.

I miss all I left in Dumaguete

These are some of the compiled pictures I made when the publication surprised me with a farewell party. I cannot upload all of it so i just selected those that I like.hehe...Forgive the arrangement..haha

I miss Dumaguete.
I miss my classmates and board mates.
I miss boulevard.
I miss burger delights.
I miss Windy City.
I miss bar hopping.
I miss walking in Freedom Park.
I miss publication’s camera.
I miss TN office.
I miss my student publication mates.
I miss you.


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Experience, Regret and Change

I’ve been idle for a very long time and before this site of mine will become rotten I have to post this here in my on line diary…this is suppose to be my university diary and I think this will not be publish anymore because there are so many stories lining up. Note; please have patience reading this…
College life is a part where great and enormous learning are expected. It enhances our skills from our school requirements and extra curricular activities. Besides as a college student, we are giving our best to have an excellent record in preparation in the future. While experience is the important factor in the walks of life because it will surely escort us to be mature enough. Experience is the best teacher as the saying goes.

From the very first day I stoop in college, “To graduate” is my first goal. Yes, to graduate on time. Having dedication to study hard and to graduate are always in my mind. Reason is I am the only hope of my parents after my sister failed to finish her course. I was confident and pressured with such case. Yet it pushes me to be responsible and superb with my studies. Overnights and going to far places for major subjects, studying and memorizing words for next day quizzes, I did all those. I even went to school early and be in my class before the teacher arrives and of course always raising my hand and talk a lot whenever there were oral recitations. With these, I considered myself as a good school boy. However human as we are, and as a college student we really pamper our self to relaxing stuff. Conversely, I reached the middle year of my four year course, wherein focus on studies loosened up.

Badly, I was sleeping late not because of learning from school which absences and late exists. I did projects somehow but minuses were there for it was very late. Therefore, I received lowest of the lowest performance in class. I was active strolling anywhere. I’ve been present in a movie house often and shopped at the mall as if I have retirement fund. And whenever I want and feel to be absent, then I won’t come to my class. False excuses were already bear and memorize in my mind and ready to be answered whenever someone asks for my absence.

As a result I dropped some subjects and failures were there. My parents did not know at all what I am doing. As far as they know, I was doing well. When semester ends, I chose class cards that have convincing grades and hide the underground ones. Yes I am stupid and a good liar to them. I asked for money, reasoning for projects though none. At the same time, my innocent parents even though nothing to give yet still find ways just to send for me.

Conscience is in my heart that time, but my brain continuously pushes me to do dishonest things. I had so many sleepless nights because conscience always knocked me. I did not tell my parents that I can’t graduate on time since the day I know, that I can’t. I pretended to them as well to my course mates. Whenever they asked, I just answered that hopefully there is no problem with the advising of subjects. But I know from the fact that I can’t really.

For having no option I lied again to my parents. I reasoned out that I was not allowed to over load my subjects reason that I can’t make it. But the truth is, I did not apply for graduation because I’m not qualified. From the moment I told them, they acted okay but I know from the fact that they were upset. Parents as they are, still their support until now is there, yet did not know the lies I performed.

My batch mates graduated ahead of me. I saw them wore toga during graduation. On the other hand, I was watching them with tears in my eyes having regrets and guilty in heart for being idle for years. The pain I felt that time made me realize that what happened to me was the result of my bad doings. I went home hurting and mad with myself. A flashback went on to my mind, asking “whys” and the “what ifs”. I

Regret is always in the end. This is the lesson that is primarily in to my mind. As I closes and open my eyes everyday, “to change” is the thought cheering up my mind. I took summer class to rush my years I wasted in college and hopefully this is now my last semester in this university.

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Trying to be Independent

In my own understanding reaching at the age of 20 is where one should start to be an independent. This is the age where a son/daughter should exchange all the sweats and bloods that parents have given, from the time we were born and to what we are now. I know that we cannot totally give back all the sacrifices that has done by our parents, but as practicality and in my own understanding 20 years is enough to be an independent one. And because I am in my 20 now I feel the attitude and mind of being one.

Since I mentioned things about being independent and its summer, I actually applied in one of the companies in the city here in Dumaguete the other week, to have a part-time job. I had all the exams and interviews. After my final interview, the interviewer said that they will just make a phone call if ever I passed.
Unfortunately and I assumed, three weeks of waiting for the call is I think a conclusion that I didn’t pass. That was the first time I applied for a job and it’s a failure. I am stupid if I would say that I’m okay. But having my time with my friends would let you feel better. I could also say that maybe I failed because I am still raw to that thing. Actually from the moment I applied, what comes into my mind is that it’s really hard to get a job and to be an independent.

In my case that supposedly I will graduate this march but unluckily I didn’t…Honestly I feel shy and uneasy about it. Shy especially to my parents where I failed to perform their expectations. I know that they felt bad even though they may act fine every time we talk. This year is supposed to be my last year in college and it is expected that my parents would rest from sending allowance, payments for lodging, and so on. At the same time I also feel uneasy in facing my neighbors which I’m pretty sure that they all had their back fights and humiliations to me--neighbors are really the traitor/contrabidas in my true to life block buster story. Sigh

Back to my job thingy--From the time I failed to get the job where I applied, I learned that being independent is really hard. I may be just tried once but for me it’s enough and I think the job is not for me. God has always the reason why you cannot be in the thing you wish, right? So let it be.

But I would somehow thankful that I didn’t graduate because it would be a double pressure to me. I realize that maybe I’m not yet ready for a job and to the real world. I still have to be ripe like fruit, so that the moment I become ripe, whoever wants to get me as theirs, it would be easier. Schooling is still in my mind really.

As for now, I am extending my stay in the city together with my student pub family. I sleep and wake up as long as I want to, eat as many as I can and as long as I have money to buy some, movie marathon, and of course checking all my accounts as well my friend’s accounts in the net. It’s a little boring but I think these are the things that I can relax my mind to such frustrations.

Ahmmmm…supposedly I am already at home the time when our classes ended, and it ended three weeks ago already. I don’t know why I am still here in the city though; I know that I don’t have any important thing to do. The last time I went home was January and I guess I am omitted at home very long, basing to any ordinary student. Of course I do miss my family if you may ask so, but there is such thing that is banging into my mind still and wanting me not to go home yet.

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Being LOST is a NO NO

I don’t know how to start my come back post since there are a lot of things that pop in to my mind still. Am I going to post emotional things that I had or happy memories? Actually I had my last post three months ago- after that month I was nowhere or shall I say lost. Being not in myself from those months have been root to unenthusiastically and irresponsible doings.

I’ve been the worst kind of student which sleeps late and wake up not on time that cause absence in class, a writer in the student publication which was under probation because of not passing articles for how many months, and a kind of son that demanded and lying to parents, asking for allowance just for personal luxuries. I think all the bad adjectives would really fit to me from those times.

Honestly I consent myself to go into bad things which results to worst. I can’t also say that I was drowned to the ocean of problems. Maybe I was just so stupid with having lame excuses for any situations I had. I became a person who actually did things that personally knew on what would be the results of it. In other words, I was a person who intended to have a problem just to have one. I’m really stupid right? Sometimes I don’t understand myself really or maybe I have to get old first to know myself better.

But as I was saying I don’t know how to start this post but I think as I go on, it led to kadramahan again, sigh. I think sometimes being emotional is really good to let things go back to better.
As I said, I was a candidate for termination but those period of time I realized that being in the student publication is really a great privilege in my course and since this is where my college life rounded. Aside from it, those ideas are not the only thing that I run into, instead afraid of losing wonderful people that I considered my second family---my TN Family.

Luckily, in behalf of being a stupid and irresponsible one, I was again given the chance to go back to myself and prove that being irresponsible then can be change. Those people who helped me by their good and encouraging words are my friends and my TN family. Though some of them will go one of these days, I know that they did those things to me for my own advantage. In the end, I learned that being nowhere or lost would only lead you to worst.

I’m not also saying that this time I will be as good as an angel, but as far as I could, I will.

About the picture in this blog, I choose it since that is the latest picture I have and I think it would be a pampabuenas with this come back post of mine.

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This is a nice piece for those who are married, about to get married
and for the singles as well who wish to be married. Please take the
time to read.


When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand
and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate
quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn't know
how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn't seem to be
annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I avoided her
question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and
shouted at me, you are not a man!

That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she
wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could
hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Dew. I
didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which
stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She
glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent
ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for
her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I
had said for I loved Dew so dearly. Finally she cried loudly actually
a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for
several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing
something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to
sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful
day with Dew. When I woke
up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so
I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want
anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She
requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a
life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a
month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken
marriage. This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that everyday for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and
thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to
face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention
was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we
both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding
mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the
bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms.She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling some what upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on
my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I
hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she
was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair
was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I
wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of life to
me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy
was growing again. I didn't tell Dew about this.It became easier to
carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made
me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few
dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my
dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so
thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly
it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart.
Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head. Our son came in at
the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mum out. To him, seeing
his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his
life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him
tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my
mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms,walking from the
bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded
my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just
like our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the
last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step.
Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life
lacked intimacy.

I drove to office... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking
the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind... I
walked upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I
do not want the divorce anymore. She looked at me, astonished, and
then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her
hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage
life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of
our lives, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I
realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am
supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Dew seemed to suddenly
wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst
into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my
wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and
wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a
relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in
the bank, blah..blah.. blah. These create an environment conducive for
happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be
your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that
build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you. If you do, you
just might save a marriage.

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